Growing up not knowing my biological father, and how its affected my life.

I'm sure the majority of you have gotten mad at your father and said something mean or wrong. You probably now regret it. I might never get that chance.

My mother was just 2 or 3 years older than everyone here when I was born. I was very unexpected, and a surprise to all. My mom had thought that the father was a man named Johnny, she had been dating him. They decided it was best if he wasn't in my life though because he was into a lot of drugs and things that weren't meant for a child. Two months later, after they had separated my mom met the man I call dad today. They married and they had my first sister Caitlynn. By the time I was six there were a lot of problems at home. I wont go into to many details with that, but my parents ended up divorcing. When I say parents I mean mom and the man I call my dad. Until I was 7 years old I always thought my dad was biologically my father. Imagine going out with your mom for supper then have her break big news like that. I was lied to for 7 years. I was really upset, but more just in shock.

My mom remarried to my step dad JJ. They had two more kids. Nothing else really happened until I was about 13. I started to question things a lot more and put up a fight. I felt like I needed to know who my real father was. I think that I wanted to know so badly because I was trying to fill in a place I had been missing. The man I call dad moved away to New Brunswick around then, and I hated him for it. I felt he was leaving my sister and I at a time we would need him the most. Since my relationship with dad wasn't there and my relationship with JJ was never great I was looking for a father, or some kind of male role model i wasn't finding.

My mom has always been really hesitant about making contact with him. When I turned 14 she tricked me into having a DNA test done to make sure Johnny really was the father. She told my I was going in for a blood test because they had to check for a kidney problem that was hereditary they had found in my aunt. When the test came back my mom didn't tell me anything for a long while. She would just say she didn't want to talk about it because it was to complicated. Eventually she would finally talk about it with me. She told me that Johnny really wasn't him, and the test had come back negative. I was kind of upset about it, just because Johnny had wanted to be in my life, he was just waiting for me to contact him first.

There is one other guy that she thinks it could be. I haven't been tested yet, but he knows of me, and i obviously know of him. He thinks he's my father, but the dates don't really match up. My mom isn't sure who else it could be, so if it isn't him I wont ever know. That's the main reason I don't want to find out. I would not want to go through my whole life never knowing my biological father.

Now, how have things affected me? Well first off is the trust issues. I have a hard time trusting people now. Maybe because I was lied to so easily for so long. I don't know. Either way I find it very hard to trust my mom, and my step dad now.

It's also been very stressful. Seeing pictures of Wayne, the guy that could be my father is stressful. We don't look a thing alike in my opinion. And then there's the stress of custody issues. If he finds out that I'm his for sure, and then we see each other but I find it to weird or emotional and I don't want to see him any longer, he could battle custody and get visitation rights. I think in this situation though, you either have to live with not knowing or jump right in and just hope for the best.

I think that going through all of this has made me stronger. Things like this really knock you down though sometimes. Its hard to know what to do in certain situations but all you can do is try your best to get by. I know that I'm supported by many people, but sometimes talking about the situation gets weird because its not so common.

A Lot of you may now be thinking, shouldn't my mom know who it is. And yes I believe she probably should. But you never fully know the situation unless your in it, so that's why i don't pass judgement. My mom did the best she could, and I probably couldn't have asked for anything better. At the time though, I guess things were just rough.

I think the point is that everyone is going to have to deal with a tough situation, but how you deal with it is what makes you as a person. The majority of us are going to have to face something were not sure of, but if you just breathe and try and figure things out they will settle out in the end. Next time your trying to deal with something your not sure about, just remember you can always take things slow, and take time to figure things out.